by Stephen Koster
I want you to know that everything will be okay. You’ve finally accepted that you’re a stoner and want your parents, the people who birthed you in a very bloody way, to accept that too. You’ve seen enough sitcoms to know that if you just bring up what you’re experiencing, in a frank, honest way, your parents will eventually accept you, and will say something like that, “Oh, darling, we’ve always known you were a reefer-addict,” and that will be for the laugh track. “But we still love you,” and that will be for the awwww track. And then everyone will hug and everything will be peachy.
Except the world doesn’t work that way, sonny boy, and you know that better than anyone—that’s probably why you smoke so much weed—but in any case you deserve the uncomfortable acceptance of the people who pay your rent, and we will help you get it.
1. Dump your stash in front of them at the dinner table while jumping up and down, shouting, “Me loves the weedsies, can I keeps them, pwease?” This will prove to your parents that you are a competent young adult and that marijuana is a fun substance that can be enjoyed responsibly.
2. Call your parents “squares” a lot. First, of all, if you’re having this problem at all, then your parents obviously totally are squares, and second of all because you need to speak a language your parents will understand. Appeal to a time when they were young, and explain your side of the argument in phrases they will understand, such as, “You don’t understand, Dad, you’re too much of a wet noodle to get jive to this boogie.” When speaking in the vernacular of your parent’s generation, you will gain instant respect.
3. Pull up a single Buzzfeed article defending weed-legalization that doesn’t cite any sources. If there’s one thing grumpy parents understand and agree with, it’s poorly-informed overly emotional opinions. You could also play them a Bob Marley song, or show pictures of hippies sticking flowers into rifles. Wait for the deeper meanings of these symbols to sink in. You could also rephrase the title of the classic John Lennon anti-war song, into your more contemporary issue, “Give Weed a Chance.” In fact, you should probably record your own version using new lyrics and perform it for your parents.
4. Mention that you legitimately think of Snoop Dog as a role-model and personal inspiration. Parents almost universally respect rappers, and clearly defining your extensive knowledge of hip-hop subcultures and using this as a defence of your lifestyle will almost certainly gain you brownie points. Don’t forget to mention Tupac and Eminem!
5. Talk about how smoking weed will save you from getting cancer. Tell your parents about that time you thought you felt a lump on your neck, but after you smoked that blunt, it went away entirely. Don’t just keep that story for when you’re high with your friends, share it with the world and especially your parents! If your folks stare at you with blank expressions afterward, call them sheep a few times. Mention that, when they look at you like that, they remind you of sheep! Baaaaaaahh!!
6. Mention how Pink Floyd sounds much better on weed. Parents understand the music of the sixties. They’ve been listening to it on the radio for quite some time. But, what they don’t know is, how all this classic material sounds drastically different while inebriated. In fact, one might go as far as saying that a person who hasn’t listened to Pink Floyd high hasn’t even listened to Pink Floyd at all. Be sure to use this exact phrasing when you decide to point this out to your parents. You want to make sure you get the point across that all their years of worldly experience means absolutely nothing because they haven’t done anything high.
7. Completely ignore the possibility that your parents may have tried weed before and are talking from a place of personal experience. Older people often appreciate when they are put in their place by people much younger than them. It shows spunk and determination. Other peoples’ parents may have tried weed, but never your parents, because that’s not possible, so just ignore the possibility entirely. They definitely weren’t cool enough. Make sure to inform your parents about everything you know about them without even asking. Generalizations are key.
8. Give examples of opportunities you have missed out on because you spent money on weed or were too high to move. This will demonstrate to your parents that your love of the ganja is true and pure. Love is the most valued of all parental emotions, so if you express how much you really, really, really, love getting high, what parent could get cross with you? If you talk about that job you avoided getting because the employers wouldn’t let you get high on-site, or that interview you missed because you were watching YouTube videos about deep ocean noises on repeat, what parent would have anything but good things to say about the ways you spend your time?
9. Stare into space and think blankly about the void. Your parents will think you’re super deep, which will give your arguments more clout. Stare deeply!
10. Light up at the dinner table, as you’re explaining things. Maybe your parents will get enough second-hand smoke to loosen them up a little. Forcing your hobbies on other people can only improve things. If you follow these ten suggestions to the letter, there’s no way your parents will give you any trouble. And remember, if they say no, you’re never too old to cry to get what you want, so don’t be afraid to start the waterworks should things get nasty. We’ve got to do everything in our power to spread the good word of weed, and this all starts with you coming out of your very dank, very ashy little closet. The times they are a blazin’. Now get out there and convince!