by Jerry Brassey

There’s nothing worse than being misunderstood. Except for getting robbed. Or murdered, etc. But this article has nothing to do with that. I’d like to clear the air and address some of the misconceptions that either you, the reader, or maybe some @sshol3 you know has about stoners.

Stoners are lazy

Stoners are not lazy. I’m writing this article, aren’t I? 


Stoners are addicted to weed

The whole “I can stop whenever I want” bit is overused, maybe. But I’m sure I can stop whenever I want. The best thing about pot is that it’s NOT addictive. That’s why I can smoke it on the regs. No problem. Strike two, baby.


Stoners lack quick wit and intelligence

I have a surplus of both wit and intelligence. Just ask my friend Steve. 


Stoners can’t hold down a job

I’m proud to say I’ve been gainfully employed at McDonalds for the last 6 months. I get a 20% discount on food, and my manager said I’ll be promoted to night shift supervisor as soon as I start showing up to work on time.


Stoners lack ambition

I’m excited for this promotion and regularly tell myself to set an alarm so that I can get to work on time.


Stoners are bad with money

I’m great with money. I have hundreds of dollars in the bank and have almost paid off my phone bill. Which leads me to...


Stoners spend all their money on drugs

Haha, but I sell enough to pay for what I smoke. I’m killing this article.


Stoners are more likely to get into heavier drugs

Not true at all. I mean, what’s even heavy? Sure, I’ve tried my share of drugs, but that’s because I’m open minded. I’ve never even touched a needle, except when I’m cleaning up after my lazy roommate.


Stoners have terrible memories

This one may have some truth to it, but my family forgets my birthday every year and they don’t smoke pot so I don’t really see the connection.


Stoners have lousy vocabularies

Equanimity, Non Sequitur, Scintillating, Untenable. Fuck yeah.


So the next time you’re about to make an uneducated, CRETINOUS stereotype about stoners, you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself.