by Jerry Brassey

History is full of people, and history is also full of drugs. Throughout history people have taken drugs. It’s only logical to assume some of these people became historic. Maybe the drugs helped them, maybe they had little to do with anything. Who cares. Going off of very little to no evidence at all, this is what I found out is (probably) true.


1 Albert Einstein - Drug of choice: LSD

Everybody knows Albert Einstein had brains, but General Relatively is more than brains. Space and Time aren’t separate but actually together make up a multidimensional fabric called Spacetime that holds the fucking universe together? Sounds pretty acidy to me. In fact, I think I had that same revelation on my last trip. Or it could of been a documentary I watched. Whatever.


2 Ghandi - Drug of choice: Pot

No way Ghandi didn’t smoke pot. I mean it, there’s no way. No. Way.


3 Mother Theresa - Drug of choice: Cocaine

Mother Theresa was a busy lady. So what if she (probably) took (shitloads of) cocaine to get through the day? She helped people, and she made a difference. And that’s what we’ll remember her for. Just forget the pile of nose candy they (probably) found by her deathbed, or wherever it was she died. Don’t even look it up. Just move on, bud, move on.


4 Jesus - Drug of choice: Mushrooms

Mushrooms are known to connect the consumer to some form of God, and Jesus was for sure connected to God. Some people even say he was/is God. Or like, 1/3 of God. My bet is he was/is the legs. Jesus probably had/has great legs. 


5 Moses - Drug of choice: Also mushrooms

I’m sure you know that Moses was a cool guy, but did you know that he (probably) took magic mushrooms, too? Doesn’t knowing that make you like him even more? Aren’t facts like these fun?


6 Shakespeare - Drug of choice: Opium

It was the fashion, and Shakespeare was (probably) all about fashion. Can’t you see him, decked out in the latest D&G, looking all artsy in the VIP section of the town's hottest new Opium bar? I’d be personally offended if this wasn’t true.


7 Adolf Hitler - Drug of choice: Meth

Apparently this one actually is true. Google told me, and Google can tell you, too. Adolf Hitler took meth. And cocaine. But mostly meth. And a little bit of coke. 


8 Jane Austen - Drug of choice: Crack

I’ve never read a Jane Austen novel, but I still think about her sometimes. I imagine her growing up in the modern day, scribbling away in some journal, in the park, under the stars. But then how would she see the journal? Maybe there’s no journal at all but she’s still sitting in the park scribbling. What is she scribbling for, though? Maybe she’s tweaking out. High on crack. In a park, all alone. High and alone.


9 Gautama Buddha - Drug of choice: Opium

Apparently the would-be Buddha was a bit of a bad boy before becoming the Buddha, going to all sorts of opium parties and sex orgies. Or opium orgies and sex parties. In fact, ‘Buddha’ is also a euphemism for opium. Here are some other ones I found: Chinese Molasses, Aunti Emma, Midnight Oil, Great Tobacco, Easing Powder


10 Napoleon - Dug of choice: Steroids.

It’s all about the roids, man. All about the roids. 

Disclaimer: All historic figures appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is (probably) purely coincidental.